March 10, 2007; 1:20 AM
Right now I am sitting at work reading a former Peace Corps Volunteers blog who was in Botswana from 2004-2006. The reality of the experience that I am about to set out to do is becoming more real for me. The reality that in a little more than I month I will be several miles away from ‘my life’ as I know it, is real. A special person told me that they were sad today with thoughts of me leaving. I quickly tried to brush it away because the thought as well made me sad and with all my preparations right now I continuously try to ignore the sad thoughts-Know that I am sad with all of you and I pray that God makes the transition as beautiful and peaceful as it can be. It amazes me that whether we are aware of it or not grief takes place when people leave out of one's life in some form or another. Right now I grieve as I think about missing my brother’s graduation. I think about missing my goddaughter’s first steps. As I think about the two weddings that I am supposed to be in that I will only get to watch the video footage. A tear cries out as I miss my long talks with my best buds that reenergize me and keep me focused- Who else will accept my calls at 7 in the morning or 12 at night. I will miss the outings to the park with my godchildren. My heart already begins to long for Sundays at church and then a visit to my parent’s house or at other good friend’s homes (that’s the one day that I usually can be guaranteed a real meal prepared with love and good family conversation (as I can cook but it is not on my bachelorette’s list of favorite things to do). Thoughts of how my space in others lives will be missed is also connected with a feeling of sadness.
Sitting here thinking I know that while the first couple of months I will miss and be missed, soon healing will take place. God will connect me with others and my family and friends with others. My clients will get new therapist and my teachers will have new students. The times and seasons in our lives will move forward. People will get used to me being gone and I will get used to life in Botswana. Our kindred spirits will never fully disconnect because they were formed from love, though relationships will change. Things that I love to do today I may never do again. Things that you love today you may never revisit. I will comeback with memories from a place that no one in my community now has experienced with me. I will have jokes and stories that others will listen to but will soon get exhausted of countless recounts of Botswana. My experience will then be in the treasure box of my memories, pictures, journal entries, my blog, and an occasional conversation with others who were a part of my Peace Corp journey. I will too hear stories of life and changes that took place while I was away, that I will long to reconnect with but will somewhat not be a part of because I was not there. Life is an interesting journey to be a part of.
The reality that in less than I month I will look death in its face on a daily basis. Knowing as I read her blog, that I will witness families who are dying from malnutrition. While I have seen people here die from AIDS the statistics there are different and people are dying in larger numbers. As my desire is to go and be a blessing the reality that I can not stop the pandemic and that cultural factors may keep me from many breakthroughs with my new clients. Knowing as this former volunteer says, that HIV + mothers still refuse not to breastfeed their children and are transmitting the disease to their babies. By no means do I feel defeated but I am glad that I was able to read these facts and deal with what I am about to do with more realness and less nostalgia. Accepting these things prior to my departure will help me to pray for the strength to deal with homesickness as well as the new level of death and life that I am about to come across. Right now I pray that God touch those dealing with HIV/AIDS, poverty, and hunger in Botswana. I pray for the other volunteers that will be accompanying me on this journey, that we will have strength to endure this magnitude of change. I pray comfort to my family and friends who feel the grief and sadness of me leaving for this period of time. I pray that God will show me purpose while on this journey and that what I do will glorify Him-In Jesus name I pray
Peace and Blessings Martha
